paunchy, balding internet demo☭rat (lone_concertina) wrote in politisex,
paunchy, balding internet demo☭rat

Alright, ladies. It's time to make our Top 10 Presidents I Would Bone So Hard lists. I've put pictures of all of them up behind the cut, along with a bit of trivia that might or might not sway you to their bed chamber, so choose wisely because we're laminating these lists.

Here's mine, as unconventional as it might be.
1. Abraham Lincoln (really he's #1-10)
2. Franklin Pierce
3. FDR
4. Woodrow Wilson
5. George Washington
6. James Madison
7. Dwight Eisenhower
8. Teddy Roosevelt
9. JFK
10. Alternates between Thomas Jefferson and Harry Truman, depending on if I'm digging redheads or silver foxes that day.

1. George Washington - Refused to shake hands because it demeaned the office of the president.

2. John Adams (Federalist) - Married his third cousin and nursed a lifelong grudge against Thomas Jefferson.

3. Thomas Jefferson (Democratic-Republican) - A natural redhead (mmm delish), he refused to wear wigs to court in France and all the ladies over there loved him.

4. James Madison (Democratic-Republican) - Measuring a luscious 5'4", he was the shortest president. He was also the first president to wear trousers instead of knee britches, but I'm assuming that's because knee britches fit his tiny little legs like trousers.

5. James Monroe (Democratic-Republican) - Won every electoral vote in 1820 except one because a delegate wanted GW to be the only president elected unanimously. No one ran against him in this election, probably because he was too studly to handle.

6. John Quincy Adams (Democratic-Republican) - Skinny-dipped in the Potomac every day, back before it smelled like a sewage treatment plant and was full of dead bodies. He also had a pet alligator.

7. Andrew Jackson (Democrat) - Killed a man in a duel and served his term with a bullet lodged just inches from his heart.

8. Martin Van Buren (Democrat) - When he was VP, he presided over the senate with loaded pistols, because apparently those epic mutton chops didn't command enough respect.

9. William Henry Harrison (Whig) - The first president to die in office, succumbing to pneumonia just 31 days after his inauguration.

10. John Tyler (Whig) - Was playing marbles when he found out he was going to be president.

11. James K. Polk (Democrat) - Took only 37 days off in the four years he served, presumably to get his mullet trimmed and reshaped.

12. Zachary Taylor (Whig) - Chewed tobacco and was famous for never missing a spittoon when he spat.

13. Millard Fillmore (Whig) - Refused an honorary degree of Doctor of Civil Law from Oxford. He said, "No man should accept a degree that he cannot read." He was not a duck.

14. Franklin Pierce (Democrat) - Graduated college with Nathaniel Hawthorne and Henry Wadsworth Longfellow.

15. James Buchanan (Democrat) - The only president to serve as a ~confirmed bachelor, and managed to do so without being called a great big pile of gaybones.

16. Abraham Lincoln (Republican) - Was the sexiest, most perfect man to have ever lived.

17. Andrew Johnson (Democrat) - The first president to be visited by Chris Hansen, he married his wife when she was 16. He immediately had a seat over there after his inauguration.

18. Ulysses S. Grant (Republican) - I can't choose just one fun fact here, you guys. Deal with it. 1) After getting diagnosed with throat cancer, he started swabbing his throat with cocaine and developed an addiction to it. 2) Ate a vinegar-soaked cucumber for breakfast every day. 3) Could not stomach the sight of animal blood and lost it if he saw a rare steak, even though he fought in a ton of bloody battles. 4) His kiddie nickname was "Useless." 5) Changed his name from Hiram Ulysses Grant so he wouldn't go to West Point with the initials HUG.

19. Rutherford B. Hayes (Republican) - The first president to use a telephone in office.

20. James A. Garfield (Republican) - Could write Latin with one hand and Greek with the other, probably because he juggled clubs to strengthen his arm muscles.

21. Chester A. Arthur (Republican) - Had over 80 pairs of pants and changed them several times a day. There is no evidence to prove this was because of incontinence.

22. Grover Cleveland (Democrat) - Named his favorite hunting rifle "Death and Destruction."

23. Benjamin Harrison (Republican) - Was afraid of electric lights because one shocked him once, so he had his staff turn them off and on for him. He was also called the "Human Iceberg," and not because 90% of his boner was underwater.

24. Grover Cleveland again! - Just as unattractive the second time around!

25. William McKinley (Republican) - The first president to ride in an automobile, which, ironically enough, was the ambulance that took him to the hospital after he was shot.

26. Theodore Roosevelt (Republican) -

27. William Howard Taft (Republican) - The last president to sport a beard or moustache. Also he got stuck in a bathtub because he weighed like 14 tons or something.

28. Woodrow Wilson (Democrat) - Wrote this (wildly untrue) limerick about himself:
"For beauty I am not a star
There are others more handsome by far
But my face I don't mind it
For I am behind it
It's the people in front that I jar."

29. Warren G. Harding (Republican) - Had a nervous breakdown at 24 and spent a couple of weeks in a sanitarium.

30. Calvin Coolidge (Republican) - When governor of Massachusetts, he was once punched in the eye by the mayor of Boston.

31. Herbert Hoover (Republican) - Talked to his wife in Chinese when they didn't want the rest of the White House to listen in.

32. Franklin Delano Roosevelt (Democrat) - As a boy, he visited president Grover Cleveland and Cleveland told him never to become the president.

33. Harry Truman (Democrat) - Kept a bottle of I.W. Harper bourbon in his bathroom at all times.

34. Dwight D. Eisenhower (Republican) - His favorite dessert was prune whip.

35. John F. Kennedy (Democrat) - His dad ran gin and scotch during the prohibition and made his family a fortune.

36. Lyndon Johnson (Democrat) - Married Lady Bird with a $2.50 wedding ring bought at Sears.

37. Richard Nixon (Republican) - Could bench press 220 pounds.

38. Gerald Ford (Republican) - Was once a male model at what I'm assuming was's predecessor.

39. Jimmy Carter (Democrat) - The first president born in a hospital.

40. Ronald Reagan (Republican) - Was totally obsessed with jelly beans and I'm pretty sure Jelly Belly made the blueberry one for him.

41. George Bush (Republican) - Hated broccoli and was awful.

42. Bill Clinton (Democrat) - Was very fond of cigars.

43. George W. Bush (Republican) - Is the worst.

44. Barack Obama (Democrat) - Is bringing sexy back, but you can't put him on your list yet because he's not officially president.
Tags: baberaham lincoln, barack obama, bill clinton, creamy vanilla sundae, dwight eisenhower, george w. bush, jfk, ronald reagan, sexy bikini pictures, silver foxes, some other non-offensive tag, we're all a bunch of racist assholes
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